The Indian Arranged Marriage Scene and its current scenario

I often have my non-Indian friends who want to know how this “arranged marriage” thingummy works out. Well its quite simple..call it arranged dating if you might.

Eg. If a girl's(of marriage age) parents are on the look out for a suitable boy for their daughter.

'Suitable' would mean someone who fulfills a criteria/check list sort of.

• This would basically ensure that the BASE/background is similar and
  matching, thereby leading to similar goals in life.
• In the past there used to be a marriage broker who would know some family
  with a suitable/boy or girl and would carry his/her set of horoscopes and
  details, to seek out suitable matches.
• Some are still astrologers who help the proespects parents to match horoscopes.
• Nowadays these are advertised in sites like shaadi.com, tamilmatrimony.com, jeevanaathi.com etc.

Most of these adverts are updated by parents, bearing in mind what would be good and matching for their off springs. There is usually a lot of thot put into this.
Example :

• Socio-Economic background. Some mention, upper class and request similar background. *so that there are no clashes later on on irreconcilable differences*


• The Partners physical appearance. Yes some even ask for “fair girl” or say things like “girl must be very beautiful” and lets not even comment on the son’s photo that is put up.
• There are the bride to be’s parents who ask for a groom “who must have clean habits” one wonders if they mean that he should wash his hands after u know what.
• Some insist, the bride-to-be should be “professionally qualified” and some insist she should have a job/career. This leads to most parents even educating their daughters to eventually find a good match. Whether she works after marriage or not ends up being a mutual/individual choice.
• There used to be (I think there still is) a big interest for “US Mapillai or US or foreign based grooms. There are some others who then insist the girl needs to be also US based. Some actually place on advt “girl must be from West coast” etc.
  
  Some details on the prospect are added say example :
• Family Details : Father retired from nationalised bank and now practising law in PUNE. Mother is a homemaker. XYZ has two elder sisters both married settled in PUNE. XYZ lives in Toronto, Ontario-Canada and is professionaly well settled in a good organization. The family is settled in PUNE for the last 28 years.


• I am a guy with clean habits have a good self confidence


• My son is very good in character and look very young, he is very calm and friendly type.
• Simple/Like to wear Simple and smart dress.god fearing. Looking for affectionate/accommodating partner/likes less argument.(both sides) ** noted about the dressing**
  
  Then the “expectation from the partner is updated. Some examples :
• Expectation: We are looking for a confident and educated girl who believes in traditional values but has a modern outlook. PROFILES WITH PICTURES WILL BE RESPONDED. **yes Ugly ones can be stay away**


• Partner should be very simple, godfearing. Preferably a graduate with some PC knowledge. ** one is guessing this is so that she uses the computer at home, for god knows what**


• Looking for someone with lots of energy, confidence , optimism...Someone who is charming, loving, caring, just and humane...Someone for whom family comes first....A Great Friend with whom i can share my life...**Am guessing we are talking about one person only **


• GIRLS FROM MUMBAI MOSTLY PREFFERED.GIRLS FROM OTHER REGIONS ARE ALSO WELCOME ** nice to know**


• I am looking an understanding, caring , fun loving girl from respectable family. who also respects elders and other family members values. ** I guess this is stemming from more and more girls expecting the guy to move into a nuclear family as opposed to living with parents **


• Affectionate / Caring / Supportive / Understanding / GOD fearing - These 5 things are easy to quote here. But getting a person with these primary charachters is really a blessing from GOD :-) Mentally strong and independent; Should be able to think from other persons' perspective:-) And ya, a career-oriented person.


• We are looking a partner for him who is slim, fair, good looking, accommodating, having high regard to family values with a good education(preferably Bachelor's/Master's Engineering degree) and family background. **the guy in this advt was not exactly conventionally good looking**


• Looking for a home loving girl, educated preferably employed. a blend of tradition with a modern outlook would be welcome.


• SHE SHOULD BE A GRADUATE, WELL BEHAVED, EMPLOYED GIRL, FROM GOOD CULTURED MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY..*well behaved ??? **

Then there is an initial contact between parents, or even between the parties.(read boy and girl) This could be on emails, phones, at one time it used to be via letters or even via the marriage brokers.

• The boy and girl then continue with some communication on email, phones, and or personal meetings depending on the level of the relationship.
• SOme get into a twenty question like mode, to ensure there likes/dislikes match.
• Some just go with the flow.
  All this usually with “blessings of the parents” NO, this are not escorted with parents as it used to be in the old days.

If this seems ok, the parents would meet up either in each others homes or maybe even in a restaurant to see how this can progress further.

If all is in "order" i.e. it seems like match they can progress with, the details are discussed, date is set for a formal engagement and marriage thereon.

So whats working about this process ?

• One need not waste time dating people, and then finding out there is lot of basics which are not common. E.g. Socio-economic background. This gets taken care of with the “base” check.
• They belong to similar community, language, cultural background, which means there is lesser after marriage “adjustment” and a lot in common between the boy and girl.
• Also saves time in dating people who might not be that interested in commitment. The arranged marriage is a sure shot hit since only those in the “market” for marrying are in the market in the first place.
• Most elders might be able to be clued in as to what will work in this moving forward(basis experience) So when families talk, they know whether or not, we can actually be a part of each others lives in the future.
• Expectations from each other is very limited, and therefore a better chance of success.
  If it does not work *god forbid* family is the one that comes in to counsel and ensure the couple makes it work.
• The investment in the marriage and wedding is pretty high. Since everyone in the family is involved.
• Basics like preferences in career or not, food preferences or not, whether trivial or otherwise gets ironed out and or understood during the “knowing each other phase” pre engagement.

So, yes, its quite an interesting phase to be..there are people who would be at a time even "sparring" with two or three different prospects. So one gets to pick and choose almost like "multiple dating" hmmm a lot has changed since the original "Ponnu Pakkal" or seeing the bride ritual, in which half the village and another would be present t see the goings on of a girl coming into serve coffee to the groom and his folks, and he looks at her and then they confirm whether this is the girl he wants to marry.


Yes in the old days it was sufficient that the BOy agreed to marry a girl, thank god times have changed now and how....